


Jack/Daniel Humor Drabbles & Micro Fiction

by theemdash



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Break Up, Dirty Talk, Drabble Collection, Episode Related, Episode: s09e19 Crusade, Episode: s10e06 200, Fluff, Friendship, Groping, Humor, Kissing, M/M, Missing Scene, Music, OT4, Season/Series 03, Season/Series 04, Season/Series 07, Season/Series 09, Season/Series 10, Sleepy Cuddles, Surprise Kissing, Team Bonding, Valentine's Day, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-25
Updated: 2007-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-24 05:43:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9705746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theemdash/pseuds/theemdash
Summary: A collection of Jack/Daniel humorous drabbles and short fiction.I Know Kung-Fu— friendshipWoobie— pet namesNo One Should Suffer Alone— Valentine's Day ficBody Snatcher—Teen— "Crusade" missing sceneThe End—Mature— break up fic (technically)Sugar Me Sweet—Teen— team nightProperly Motivated— obstacle courseLooking Cute— sleepy cuddlesDiplomacy Bites—Teen— AMTDIEveryone Loves a Wedding— AU "200" sceneCold Feet—Mature— AU "200" wedding, contains implied Sam/Jack, Daniel/Vala, and OT4Experimentation—Teen— off-world smuggling





	1. I Know Kung-Fu (G)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack catches Daniel in a compromising position

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Lorny's icon of Daniel with the text "Kung-fu Danny."  
> set Season 4-ish

The unmistakable sound of falling books stopped Jack just outside Daniel’s office. He waited for the muttering that was sure to follow the disaster, but heard nothing. A few moments later and there was a rolling sound—like a chair on wheels had been pushed—and then said chair rolled out of the open door and crashed into the wall just in front of Jack.

“What the hell?” Jack pushed the chair out of his way and peered into the office.

Daniel had his knees slightly bent, legs apart, crouched in a traditional, movie-version of a kung-fu fighter. His hands were up at chest height, each held rigid, like he was ready to start breaking boards. He had a bandana tied around his head, the ends of which were long and flicked out when he suddenly turned his head to the right, away from Jack.

Daniel lunged and gave a forceful “karate chop” followed by a flimsy kick. He muttered “hai-ya!” before attacking the side of his desk. He swung his left arm blindly and knocked over another stack of books.

Jack crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the door. He shook his head.

Daniel turned his head toward the door and then did a full double-take.

“Jack?” he squeaked. He turned slowly, like a little kid caught short-sheeting his brother’s bed.

“Daniel?” Jack cocked an eyebrow in a fairly decent Teal’c impersonation.

“Jack.” Daniel had the good sense to blush a deep shade of red. He pushed his glasses back into place.

“Daniel.” Jack stood straight and walked into the room, carefully side-stepping the books—Daniel’s casualties.

“Um.” Daniel hugged himself. “Did you want something?” Daniel pursed his lips and licked them—an attempt at confidence and normalcy.

Jack stepped closer and then noticed what was tucked under Daniel’s bandana—the cord trailing down the front of his shirt, ending in his pants’ pocket. Jack reached out and pulled one of the ear pieces from Daniel’s ear.

_Everybody was kung-fu fighting… Their moves were fast as lightning…_

Daniel resumed his deep blushing. “I—I was just listening to—”

“Uh-huh.” Jack put the ear piece back. “You just keep doing what you were doing.” Jack patted Daniel’s cheek and then headed out of the room to grab the chair. When he wheeled it back in Daniel was picking up the strewn books.

“What are you doing?”

Daniel threw his arms out, gesturing to the mess. “Cleaning up.”

“I said to keep doing what you were doing.”

Daniel stacked a few of the books. “Look, you caught me. I'm embarrassed enough.” Daniel pointed at Jack with a book. “Like you _never_ do anything stupid.”

Jack laughed. “Yeah.” He pushed the chair over to the desk. “But Daniel— _really_ —please continue.” Jack sat down in the chair, put his hands behind his head, and put his feet up on the desk. “And don’t mind me, okay?”

Daniel threw the book at Jack. “I’m never listening to music here ever again.”

Jack caught the book and laid it down on the desk. “Hey, Daniel?” Jack put on his serious face and prepared for an impression—“I know kung-fu.”

“Jack!”


	2. Woobie (G)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack tests a pet name on Daniel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** Jack/Daniel, woobie  
>  set Season 7

Daniel coughed. "Woobie?"

Jack hugged Daniel tighter and smiled against his hair. "Sure. Woobie. It's cute, right?"

Daniel shifted, releasing Jack's hold, turning to face him. "That would be the problem." He tucked the pillow behind his head so he could see Jack more clearly.

"Not cute enough?" Jack tweaked Daniel's nose.

Daniel bit his lip, his eyebrows furrowing as he considered what he should say. "Call me woobie again, and I tell SG-13 it was you who brought back the stomach flu from P3X-698."

Jack's mouth dropped open. " _You_ did that!"

"Yes." Daniel tapped Jack's nose. "But they don't know that."

Jack narrowed his eyes. "What if I tell them the truth first?"

"What if I have Cameron Balinsky on speed dial?"

Jack propped himself up on one elbow. "Why do you have Balinsky on speed dial?"

Daniel folded his arms behind his head and flicked his eyes to the ceiling. He licked his lips and smiled lasciviously. "Wouldn't you like to know?" 

Jack dropped himself back on the bed, gently bouncing Daniel. He crossed his arms over his chest and snorted. "Whatever. Have Balinsky on speed dial." He muttered under his breath, "Archeology whore."

Daniel grinned; it was better than "woobie."


	3. No One Should Suffer Alone (G)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack hates Valentine's Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for stargatefic100 - 047. Heart  
> set Season 4-ish

"I hate Valentine's Day," Jack mutters. "It's commercial and sappy and I really, _really_ hate it."

Daniel turns away from his computer, taking in Jack's slumped posture and the way Jack plopped into the spare chair next to Daniel's desk. "When you were 13, some girl rejected you," Daniel translates.

Jack glares, crossing his arms.

"At 16 you were probably also dumped on Valentine's Day," Daniel astutely guesses.

Jack drums his fingers on his arms, obviously mentally cataloguing all the ways he could bind and gag Daniel, possibly torture him, too.

"And even though you claim you hate the day, you secretly want a Valentine." Daniel pushes his glasses up his nose and licks his lips.

Jack holds up one finger and opens his mouth. He closes his mouth, lowers his hand, rethinks his words, and then snaps, "I just hate it, all right?"

Daniel smiles to himself, leaning over the desk. "Then why were you explaining the concept to the people on P2X-301?"

Jack smirks, folding his hands behind his head. "I didn't think Earth should suffer alone."


	4. Body Snatcher (T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack gets a strange phone call from Daniel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for stargatefic100 - 076. Who?  
> set Season 9, missing scene for "Crusade"

"Hellooo, Jack," Daniel purrs into the phone.

"Daniel?" It's a little odd for Daniel to sound so . . . relaxed. 

"Miss me?"

"What?" I juggle the phone to keep it from hitting the floor.

"I asked if you missed me." He sounds like he's grinning, the goofy little grin he gets when he shakes his head back and forth like the smug little bastard he is. 

"Uh . . . Daniel?" I lean back in my chair and pick at the wall. "Should you be in quarantine?"

The laugh isn't quite Daniel's; it's a little too high-pitched, flighty, flirty. "No, Darling. But there is some place I should be—"

"'Darling?'"

"—in your bed, waiting for you to get home. Stripped, oiled, and patiently waiting. . . . Just. For. You." 

"Uh. . . ." I shift in my chair, pulling at the fabric at my thigh. Dress pants are much too constricting for this conversation. Clothes, in general, are too constricting for the image Daniel has just painted.

"You're getting hard aren't you?" 

I slowly unclench my fingers and inhale quietly, trying to regain control of the thrumming in my head. "No."

"You are." His voice is much too self-confident. I can't remember a time he's ever been this seductive. "You're hard for me."

"Daniel, I. . . ." Daniel has _never_ been seductive like this. He's never been this careless either, calling me from the base, speaking so openly. . . . 

I narrow my eyes because _Daniel_ knows when I narrow my eyes, even if he can't see it. _Daniel_ knows when to stop playing around.

"Something you want to whisper in my ear?" he purrs.

I try for nonchalance, but still snap, "Which version of _Invasion of the Body Snatchers_ is going on at the SGC now?"

"Shit," is quickly followed by the dial tone.

I blink, click the receiver, and then start dialing numbers. It takes almost a half-hour to get Carter on the phone, nearly an hour before I get a straight answer, and is over an hour before my hard-on goes away. 

Of course, it takes several days to forget about Daniel's quiet purr. 

I may never recover from Vala's dirty talk.


	5. The End (M)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the end, the way it always is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for stargatefic100 - 003. Ends  
> set Season 9 or 10

5:10. Jack's flight leaves at 6:50 and they're both naked, skin still slick with quick sex. 

"I better . . ." Jack's knees crack as he stoops to pick up his shirt and pants from the floor.

"You're a General, you really can't schedule a flight for tomorrow?" Daniel tucks his arms behind his head. The protest is for show, really. There's a translation on the laptop that Daniel promised he wouldn't think about until Jack left.

Jack grunts, reading the subtext. He drops his toiletry kit nearly on top of Daniel's foot. Daniel kicks it off the bed, making sure to upend it.

"You're a pain in the ass on good days, you know?"

Daniel grins, shaking his hips.

Jack takes two steps and is on the bed, open shirt fluttering around him, fly undone, only one sock half on, and he kisses Daniel firmly, taking Daniel's face with both hands.

"We really are going to end it this time," Jack whispers.

"Yeah?" Daniel's voice is breathless, eyes memorizing Jack's face. "You're done with me for good, then?"

Jack kisses him again, muttering between their lips, "Have to be. Too many questions."

Daniel sits half-up, the q-word sobering him. "Really?"

Jack nods, sitting on the edge of the bed and putting on his other sock. "They think I've got a girl back here, thankfully. But someone suggested an officer at the SGC and. . . ."

Daniel gets it. "That's not any better."

"Well, it's a little better." Jack turns, clothes properly buttoned and zipped. "But it's not good either."

"So, it's the end this time?" This is the fifth time they’ve had this conversation since Jack moved to D.C.

"Not to say it hasn't been a pleasure, Dr. Jackson." Jack grins, all his charm in that cocky smile. 

Daniel kneels on the bed, getting his face almost level with Jack's. "You'll be back."

Jack smoothes back bed-ruffled hair, pulling Daniel closer. "I probably will be. We kind of suck at ending this."

Daniel leans up, kissing him quickly. "You better get out of here. Don't want to raise any more _questions._ " Daniel cops a feel through Jack's pants before sliding out of bed. He kicks a pair of Jack's boxers under the bed and pulls on a pair of discarded sweatpants. 

"Smartass." Jack bends over, shoving his toiletry kit back together, but leaving the boxers. He takes one last look around, brow furrowed, and hoists his duffle. "I'll call you when I get back to D.C."

"Okay." Daniel follows him down the hall. "But I'll be busy eating my way through a pint of mint chocolate chip and cutting your face out of all of my pictures." 

Jack stops at the door, laughing as he kisses Daniel. He pats his pockets, shrugging. "Feel like I'm forgetting something."

"It's just a pair of boxers. I'm planning to use them in my voodoo revenge rituals. You'll let me know if your balls shrivel and fall off, won't you?" 

Jack's answering saccharine grin could probably cause a few things to shrivel. "If anything shrivels up, you're going to be the one that's sorry."

Daniel pushes Jack against the door, getting in one last wet kiss. "I'll see you next month," Daniel whispers. "We can _end_ it again then." He raises his eyebrows for emphasis.

Jack licks his lips, stepping out the door. "Yeah, next time you get to _end_ it." Jack's wicked grin stays with Daniel for the next hour as he thinks about the best way to end it.


	6. Sugar Me Sweet (T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's team night! With karaoke!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written for stargatefic100 - 037. Sound  
> Apologizes to Def Leppard and to Sam.

The colored lights on the stage bathe Sam in reds and pinks, her hair glowing like the Abydonian sun at sunrise. She bends her knees, really belting into the chorus of a song Daniel had no idea that she knew. “ _Pour some sugar on me! Ooh, in the name of love!_ ”

Jack chuckles warmly, his hand accidentally brushing up against Daniel’s when he reaches for his beer. “No idea we would actually get her up there.”

“No idea she could actually sing,” Daniel amends.

“I would not call that singing.” Teal’c smiles tightly: it’s a joke.

“She’s not bad.” Daniel has to defend her in hopes that she’ll defend him once Jack has plied him with enough liquid courage. “Plus, her choice was at least . . . unexpected.” Daniel punctuates his statement with a mouth of beer.

“ _I’m hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet._ ”

Jack closes one eye, turning away. “I could do without the gyrations.”

“Indeed.”

Daniel smiles a bit sloppily. “I don’t know, Jack. I think you like gyrations.” He may have just flirted with Jack a little bit. “I mean, you know, like guys do. They like it. The gyrating.” There, cover all potential flirting with rambling. Rambling is discreet.

“Yeah, just not from Carter, thanks.” Jack takes another drink from his beer, still annoyingly in control. He has to be drinking light beer or something, giving Daniel and Sam all of the heavy stuff just so he can watch the two of them make idiots of themselves. Maybe it’s something to do with being jealous of their normal intellect and just trying to take them down a few evolutionary steps so that he can finally be on even footing with the brainiacs.

Jack squints at Daniel, leaning over the table. “Even footing?”

The back of Daniel’s mouth gets drafty as his jaw goes slack. “Did I just say all of that?”

Jack smiles. “And I think you’re drunk enough to go up as soon as Carter’s finished.”

Daniel rolls his eyes. “Never. And on the day after never, still never.”

Jack shakes his head. “No way, I want to watch you getting down and dirty like Carter.”

Daniel licks his lips, blushing slightly at Jack’s lack of discretion.

“ _You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little, tease a little more. Easy operator come a knockin' on my door_ ”

Daniel grins, leaning over the table toward Jack, wondering just how much they’re forgetting about discretion for the evening. “You want to come a knockin’ on my door?”

Jack’s knee bumps against Daniel’s thigh, the contact brief enough to be accidental. “I already did that to get you out here tonight.”

Teal’c’s eyebrows pop up at that. 

Daniel whispers as quietly as he can and still be heard, “That’s not even subtle.”

“You don’t get subtle.” Jack’s knee bumps against Daniel’s thigh again, this time the contact lingers, presses, rubs in a way that makes Daniel’s head swim.

“You want to watch me gyrate?” Daniel squeaks. Except Daniel doesn’t ever squeak. He certainly doesn’t squeak when being hit on by Jack O’Neill . . . with Teal’c watching . . . and Sam gyrating on stage. . . .

“Am I actually already passed out on the floor? I think I’m passed out on the floor.”

Jack’s hand is warm on Daniel’s forehead as he pushes back Daniel’s hair, his thumb flicking over Daniel’s cheek.

“I think Teal’c’s up next, anyway,” Jack says, his eyes tight on Daniel’s face.

Daniel attempts to make words come out of his mouth, but only manages a few sounds of disbelief.

“Are you all right, Daniel Jackson?”

Daniel turns from Jack’s hand to Teal’c. Teal’c who is very large when he’s standing, looking like he might be trying to stop Daniel from toppling over, though Daniel doesn’t think he’s about to fall. 

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should go. Sing a song with Sam. I bet she’d like to sing another one.”

“Yeah, T. That sounds like a great idea.” Jack leans back in his chair, taking another long drink.

“And you’re sure that you’re all right?” Teal’c leans over Daniel, a monolith with backlighting.

“I’ll take him home if he gets any greener,” Jack promises. “And I’ll stop freaking him out.” He turns to Daniel, shrugging, his palms up in supplication. “It’s just so easy.”

“Very well.” Teal’c bows and steps away, not looking back.

Daniel puts his head on the table, watching as Sam sings the last chorus, puffing up her short hair. “Are you sure I’m not passed out on the floor?” 

“Positive.” Jack sets his empty glass firmly on the tabletop. “Let’s get out of here.”

Daniel closes his eyes. “Wasn’t this supposed to be a team night?”

“We’ve been out for a couple hours. You and Carter are drunk as hell. And I’m about to start hitting on you with lines from that song. I think team night is over.”

Warm hands pull Daniel’s shoulders until he’s upright and staring into Jack’s face again. “What happened to discretion?”

Jack waves him off. “Teal’c thinks it was a gag.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t?”

Jack hands Daniel his jacket, fingers lightly brushing. “No gag about the gyrating.”

“And you’re sure I’m not passed out on the floor?”

Jack holds the door open as they leave, allowing Daniel to exit first. “Yes. But I swear to God, if you pass out _before_ the gyrating, next time you’re getting up there and singing N’Sync. I know Carter has one of their CDs.”

“You’re evil, you know.”

Jack grins. “That’s just because you haven’t sugared me sweet yet.” Daniel’s responding groan is only half-hearted.


	7. Properly Motivated (T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Daniel needs proper motivation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** proper motivation  
>  set Season 3

Daniel digs his knees into the dirt, sluicing along his belly through the slick mud. His hair catches on a barb, but he keeps going, straining towards the goal line. He hears Jack's soft voice in his mind, "Finish the obstacle course in time and I'll make it worth your while."

Daniel had plenty of ideas for how this would be worth his while. One idea involved a blindfold and candles. Another idea involved Jack's fireplace and a gallon of chocolate-chunk ice cream. 

But Daniel knew what he really wanted: a shower and a nap. Jack was optional, but preferred.


	8. Looking Cute (G)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, in his sleep, Daniel is just too cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** stop being so cute

Daniel rolls over in his sleep, sighing softly. With his jaw slack and the furrow in his brow finally relaxed, he looks twelve years younger than Jack instead of just nine.

Jack leans over, brushing phantom hair from Daniel's cheek. Daniel turns toward his palm, fingers flexing until Jack places his hand in Daniel's grasp. Daniel's soft lips pucker in a mimic of a kiss.

It's sweet and adorable and there's a part of Jack that wants to get the camera so he has photos for blackmail.

Thankfully, he's better than that.

"Ow!" Daniel wakes quickly from the slap on his cheek. "What the hell?"

Jack turns over, hiding his smirk. "You woke me up. You're too cute."

Jack can hear Daniel cock his eyebrow, but a second later a heavy archaeologist drapes himself over Jack's back and a few minutes later they're both snuggled up and asleep, looking cute.


	9. Diplomacy Bites (T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diplomacy bites. Daniel doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** Jack/Daniel, offworld from medie's Kissing a Fool drabble-a-thon  
>  written for stargatefic100 - 042. Dependence

Jack cups the bill of his cap with both hands, dragging it over his eyes. Diplomacy bites.

"Daniel," he snaps. "What the hell are you trying to say?"

"Ah." Daniel adjusts his glasses, in that stalling-for-time way of his. "The, ah, culture is _demonstrative_." 

"Demonstrative?" Jack uses an eyebrow to punctuate.

"Yes, well, um." Daniel licks his lips excessively. "They support partnerships."

"That's what we want with them, a partnership."

"Not that kind of . . . partnership," Daniel nearly mumbles.

Jack sighs, just on the adult-side of petulance. "Listen, Daniel, I don't care _what_ we have to do. You and I are going in there and establishing a foundation. Then, SG-9 can come back and do the whole long-drawn out diplomacy thing. We just need to get in the door. Can we do that?"

Daniel bites his lip, eyes sliding back and forth. "Yes."

"Good. You just do whatever cultural whooziwhatis needs to be done. I'll follow your lead."

"Jack, I really think you—"

"Ah, ah, ah!" A finger in the air silences Daniel and Jack turns and strides out of the hut before Daniel can utter another word. All they have to do is get the ball rolling, then they can 'gate home, eat food that doesn’t smell like roasted hair, and sleep on beds not made from rucksacks.

"Ah, O'Neill," Kussen rumbles. Jack nearly loses his hand in the hearty handshake. "I take it Daniel has explained our practices."

Jack casts a glance over his shoulder at Daniel just coming in through the heavy flap. "Enough of it," Jack honestly answers. 

Kussen nods. "In that case, we should begin." Kussen sits at the table, gesturing for Jack and Daniel to sit as well. "I understand, O'Neill, that you and Daniel already have a partnership."

Jack catches Daniel's nod out of the corner of his eye. "We do."

"And Daniel said you'd be willing to demonstrate this partnership." There's an eagerness to Kussen that creeps up Jack's spine.

"Uh." Jack is suddenly dog-paddling in the middle of a tsunami. "Sure." He drums on the table, then gestures to Daniel. "Demonstrate."

Wordlessly Daniel's hands grip the sides of Jack's face, pulling him around. Jack has a second to blink before warm, wet lips press against his own. It's all too familiar, but the surprise, the _on-dutiness_ of it, keeps Jack's eyes open, his lips tight.

Until there's a swipe of tongue Jack has never been able to ignore. 

He feels his lips go soft, giving in to Daniel, mouth parting, tongue welcoming Daniel's tongue with a gentle brush. Maybe diplomacy isn't so bad. 

His eyes slide closed and the world centers only on Daniel's supple lips.

Daniel pulls away gently, accidentally licking Jack's lips as he wets his own.

"Wonderful," Kussen gasps reverently. "If your world forges partnerships this beautiful, we will be happy to call you friends."

"Thank you." Daniel bows his head slightly, his hand resting on Jack's thigh. 

"Let us commence!" Kussen claps his hands and there's a bustle as documents are brought out along with a pitcher and cups balanced on a tray, enough clatter to cover a sotto voce. 

"Warn me next time?" 

"I tried to. You wouldn't listen." Daniel keeps a smile plastered on his face, speaking from the side of his mouth.

"Oh?" Jack runs the previous conversation through his head; clearly Daniel could have mentioned that they would have to make out. 

Daniel turns, lips pursed. "Yes," he hisses. Fingernails briefly cut into his BDUs. 

Jack rolls his eyes, finally deciding that it isn't worth it. "Just tell me one thing: are we going to have to do anything else? Because I'm short on lube and condoms, but I'm thinking this could still be the best mission ever."

The catty slap on his thigh is enough of an answer.


	10. Everyone Loves a Wedding (G)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A different take on the whole "200" wedding scenario.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** Jack and Daniel wedding  
>  written for stargatefic100 - 019. White

Thor turns to Jack, a smile in his voice. "Please repeat after me: I, O'Neill."

Jack is dashing in his suit, more handsome than Daniel remembers him being. "I, uh, Jack." His voice is strong and confident, warm and filled with so much love.

Thor again, "Take you, Samantha." Daniel's heart hitches, a reminder of how painful this really is.

Jack smiles, his eyes starry. "Take you, Daniel."

A murmur shoots through the crowd as Daniel's heart leaps to his throat. Jack doesn't even bother correcting himself. He just shrugs apologetically to Sam, turning to Daniel, who sways on his feet.

"Not much of a secret now, huh?"

Daniel gulps, loudly, staring at Jack's hand as it clamps his shoulder. "It, um. . . ." He steps closer, dropping his voice to a whisper. "What were you thinking?"

"That I wanted it to be _you_." Jack rolls his eyes.

Sam hits Jack with her bouquet. "I had one shot, O’Neill. One! You two are the only guys I know who keep coming back from the dead. No other men are sturdy enough to date me."

"Carter!" Jack bats at her onslaught, abused roses exploding over the altar. "You knew it was just a ruse."

Carter shoves her bouquet at Daniel, grumbling, "Always a bridesmaid."

Thor coughs, gaining their attention. "Well, if you do not require my assistance any longer. . . ."

Daniel hedges. "Actually, it'd be nice if you could help explain. . . ."

But Thor beams away before Daniel can actually finish his sentence.

"Bastard."

"General O'Neill?" Landry walks the aisle, two members of his flagship team shrinking off to one side of the altar, leaving their friend, co-conspirator, and deviant former-leader to face the music alone.

"Hank," Jack says, spreading his arms wide, invitingly. "Everyone _loves_ a wedding."

Sam and Daniel, pushing a limp bouquet between them, both mumble, "No, they don't."

"Wait a second!" Mitchell nearly jumps out of his seat. "You mean you two are. . . ." He makes some complicated gestures with his hands that might be pornographic, but are so frenetic that it's difficult to tell.

Daniel's eyes slide to Jack's and Mitchell just says in awe, "That explains so much."

"Doesn't it?" Jack grins, squeezing Daniel's ass and earning a yelp.

"General, this is no laughing matter. There are regulations." There's a softness to Landry, a genuine concern for a friend who has finally dug himself a hole that is too deep.

"Bah." Jack waves off the concern. "We'll keep it quiet. Just us members of SG-1. And Walter. And that guy over there. And her. And—Carter, is that your brother?"

Landry gives up, sighs and shakes his head.

"Don't we have some device that alters memories?"

"Sir!" Sam barks, scientifically and ethically outraged.

Jack shrugs one shoulder. "Oh, like these people can't keep a secret."

"So," Vala ventures from the bride's side of the altar. "Does that mean there won't be a wedding?"

"Guess not," Jack says. "Not only are we both," Jack gestures between himself and Daniel, "But we're lacking an officiant."

"Ha!" Vala hitches her dress and takes up the officiant's place. "It just so happens that I'm an ordained minister in the little known local religion on this tiny moon of a planet called Schwindler." Daniel blinks at her, trying to siphon off the bullshit. "I can perform the ceremony. I swear."

Daniel closes his eyes, silently praying that he'll open his eyes and be naked and late to an exam, thus proving that this is just a horrible nightmare. One eye cracks open: still dressed. Two eyes: no exam. _Damnit._

"Dearly beloved." The words miraculously silence the murmuring and people regain their seats, confusedly focusing on the bizarreness that tends to coalesce around SG-1. "We are gathered here today to celebrate the love and devotion of these two dear friends." Vala leans slightly, waving them toward each other. "Join hands, join hands."

Jack takes Daniel's hand, hot blushes washing both of their faces. Though he never dared to imagine this—never really wanted _this_ —Daniel has to admit that it's actually quite nice. And Vala's words are surprisingly tender and lovely.

"Now they stand before us, ready to commit themselves to one another and—Daniel, darling." Vala leans again, her voice silky in Daniel's ear. "Are you sure you're ready for this? We could step aside for a few moments, properly prepare you." She winks at Jack, earning a stifled smile in response.

"And so," Vala continues without missing a step, "We, their friends, are here to support them and witness this commitment." Vala waves at them both. "Are you committed?"

"Daniel's been committed before," Jack announces.

"You should both be committed," Daniel mutters.

"Perfect," Vala declares. "Then by the powers vested in me by the Symmetric Figures of the Divine Church of the Schwindlers, I pronounce you husband and husband."

The applause sound somewhat confused.

Vala leans over again, her left breast poised for escape. "You may kiss your husband."

"Er. . . ." Daniel turns, his lips suddenly feeling rubbery and useless.

"Don't be shy." Jack pulls Daniel close with an arm around his waist. His mouth presses against Daniel's, firm and pleasant. An insistent tongue pushes against Daniel's lower lip.

"Woah," Mitchell says. "More than I wanted to see."

Teal'c raises one eyebrow and (because he should have a line) simply says, "Indeed."

"All right, boys, all right." Vala steps forward, breaking them apart. Daniel sucks in a deep, shaky breath. "Process down the aisle, then."

"Mr. O'Neill," Jack says, indicating that Daniel should step in front of him.

"Oh, no. You can take my name."

"Excuse me. Jack _Jack_ son? Why would you want to torture me?"

"Because you torture me every day." Daniel grabs Jack's hand, feeling the flutter in his heart settling down because this day went better than he could have imagined. There were even faces smiling at him, at them.

"That's no excuse," Jack mutters.

Daniel steals a kiss from Jack, preventing further debate.

 

And they all lived happily ever after!

Until Jack got pictures of Daniel drunk at the reception.


	11. Cold Feet (M)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Sam's wedding day _done right_ (and by that I mean with slash and an OT4).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt** Never Ever Meme: a Sam/Jack wedding

"Hey," Daniel's soft voice steadies Jack's fluttering stomach. "This has been a long time coming."

"Yeah, yeah." If he says more, his breakfast might end up on Daniel's shoes.

"You asked her." Jack can hear the roll of Daniel's eyes.

"I'm well aware of that." Jack tugs at the ends of his jacket, straightening his dress blues. The dress blues had been Daniel's idea, but Carter— _Sam_ —had quickly agreed.

"So . . . you want this." Daniel pats Jack's shoulder.

"I know, just. . . ." What if it goes wrong? What if she really loved the man of action and now . . . ?

"She loves you, you idiot. Stop worrying about the rest of it."

Jack cuts a glare at Daniel. "Do you mind? I'm trying to get married, here."

Daniel grins, adjusting his glasses with his left hand. "Yeah, join the club."

"Are you trying to relax me?"

Daniel squeezes Jack's penis through his dress blues. "Relaxing isn't the immediate result."

"Daniel."

"Jack."

Daniel's eyes are big and innocent behind his glasses as he drops to his knees. His hands find the familiar zip, working it open without verbal consent. Not that Daniel has ever needed verbal consent, not when it comes to this.

"We've got five minutes."

Daniel grins. "Vala's stalling Sam. We've got ten. At least."

"You've got Vala in on this now?" Jack grips the counter, for the first time wondering about the sanity of allowing Daniel to suck him off in the church bathroom.

Daniel pulls back. "Hey, I'll need something to keep me busy while you and Sam have your wedding night."

Daniel's hair is soft under his fingers as Jack guides him back into place. "Shh. I promise we won't leave you out . . . either of you."


	12. Experimentation (T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Off-world exploration leads to experiments at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Prompt:** Jack/Daniel post-mission domestic scene  
>  written for stargatefic100 - 059. Food

Jack reels away from the fridge, hand covering his nose, mouth, and gag reflex. He forces the door shut, backing away quickly, preparing to evacuate the house and call the SGC to make sure Carter wasn't performing some experiments in his fridge.

"What in the _hell_?" Daniel stops in the doorway, mimicking Jack's hand-over-mouth look.

"Possibly eggs," Jack says, "and milk. Rotten something-that-might-have-been-produce and uh . . . fruit cake?"

"Who eats fruit cake?"

"If it's not fruit cake, I don't want to know what it is."

"Ugh." Daniel abandons the kitchen, Jack on his heels. They both gasp: clean, fresh, not-rank air fills their lungs.

"How long were we off-world?" 

Daniel squints, dropping in a chair. "Two weeks? No. . . . Yes. Two weeks on P3X-299, a night here, and then back out to '684 for uh, eight days? Did you come home in between?"

"If I did, I didn't open the fridge." Jack scratches his head. "Wait, '299 was the planet with the miniskirts, right?"

Daniel nods, a smile growing on his face.

"Right." Jack leans back, the same smile appearing on his face. "Straight to the shower after that one."

"Then the bedroom," Daniel finishes the memory. His eyes shine behind his glasses.

"Want a repeat?"

Daniel licks his lips, breathless. "You still got the miniskirt?"

Jack's already heading to the bedroom, pulling his shirt over his head. "Best item smuggled from off-world."

Daniel snorts. "You didn't see what I snagged from '684. That 'massager'?"

Jack turns, dropping his shirt to the floor, his slack mouth slowly curling into a wicked smile. "Not a massager?"

Daniel slinks past him, a sway to his hips. "Not exactly."

Jack stretches his neck, firmly shoving the evolving life forms in his fridge to the back of this mind—at the moment he has his own experiments to perform.


End file.
